People might be waiting for another round of mega sales on 10.10, but I'm excited for 10.10 because it is World Mental Health Day.
I woke up feeling happy today because it is a significant day for me and for my advocacy journey. I planned a mini project for myself today. Therefore, it's like a milestone for me if I get to accomplish it.
On this day, I wanted to talk about three main things that hit me the most while I was suffering with my mental health. Body Positivity, Self Love & It's okay to not be okay. Click on the links to check out my Instagram post if that's your preferred platform to read a summary version of this blog.
Body Positivity
I was body shamed. I was told that I was too skinny, too fat. Not fit enough, my workouts are just "personal branding". My boobs are not big enough, or my butt and thighs are too big. These are just some of the comments I get from people around me, in my face. For the ones talking behind my back, I don't know how worse will it be.
I have people who I love going through body shaming, for years. I don't mind people hurting me by body-shaming me, but it hurts and it makes me angry when my loved ones are hurt. I have 2 sisters. Among the 3 of us, I am the one who is always seen as "Ideal". Toxic people/relatives will always use me as a benchmark to body shame my sisters in front of my face. They don't know how much I want to punch them in their face. But guess what? I turned out skinny because I was unhealthy. I went through a lot of different health issues when I was young. That's the reason why I look "ideal" compared to both of them. I eat more than them, I am much more a foodie compared to them and I am like a garbage bin who eats literally everything. My sisters might look bigger in size, but they eat less compared to me, they have meals on time, they eat consistent amounts and a balanced diet, they are healthy. For the people who compared my sisters, calling them fat, body shaming them based on society's toxic beauty standards. Fuck you. I was a scared little girl who doesn't speak up about things that are wrong, but I'm a changed woman now. If I ever encounter anyone who is body shaming the people around me, seriously fuck you. I will call you out and will eventually punch you in the face if you ever say that again.
Technically, we will never be happy with our body. We all have things we hate and we tend to focus more on our flaws. We all came into this world meant to be different, in terms of everything, including sizes. Your parent's body figure, your DNA, all these factors affect your size, but it doesn't mean that you are unhealthy. It is normal to be unhappy about how we look like, but it is important to acknowledge that we all have our own special feature that we love about ourselves. Be proud of that thing, it can be as small as loving your lip shape or loving the size of your nostril. If you're unhappy, it's not wrong to change it, and it's not wrong to embrace it. Just remember that other people's opinion is not important, as long as you are happy and healthy.
When it comes to these toxic beauty standards, social media is the thing that is making it worse. If you don't think you can handle it. Then don't force yourself to, don't be peer pressured. I myself don't really follow a lot of people on social media because I know it will only influence me badly on my self-confidence, not because they are not good enough to follow. I try to be less exposed to social media as much as possible because I know this is what will benefit my mental health, which is staying away from things that will make it worse. It's not wrong for you to do that, you are protecting yourself. Even for my own social media page, I only share with you the things I want to share, the things I want you to see, the part of me that looks good and what I am confident about. I keep the unconfident part of me to myself and nope I will not show you that. Moral of the story is to never trust everything on social media. There are different angles when it comes to beauty, and of course, people will just show you the angle that they think it's perfect. Just like how I'm only sharing with you the confident side of me instead of my flaws. Be proud of your confident side, and try your best to embrace your flaws. Can't embrace them? No worries, it's your right to make a change. You take ownership of your own body, do whatever you want, as long as you are happy and healthy.
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@v_nessacyn
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Self Love
I never thought I deserve to be doing things I love, or buying things that I like. I sweat and get anxious when I try to purchase things that I love, and end up not buying them at all. Shopping makes me anxious. However, when it comes to buying things for my loved ones, I feel like I'm balling. No second thoughts, just take my money as long as their happy. Some people do appreciate it, but some just took me for granted, but I don't mind at all. Just that I feel like I deserve to have the things I love as well.
I've always loved flowers. Love love love. Some may think it's a waste of money, but it's a big mood changer for me. Especially everynight when I come home from work and see flowers on my table. Or when I wake up in the morning and see flowers next to me. It gives me comfort and it makes me happy.
My cousin
@elswong always receives flowers from her boyfriend, from
@thevowflorals. You cannot imagine the happiness on my face whenever she posted the flower photos on her instagram, I fell in love instantly. I picked up my phone, I texted the florist, and told them I have no preference, surprise me!
I ordered my flowers on Tuesday, and we agreed to have it picked up on Saturday. Coincidentally, Saturday is World Mental Health Day! I am taking care of my mental health with self-love, by getting something I love. I even wrote myself a message "You are doing great, and you deserve the things you love". Hell ya I do, and you do too!
When you're feeling it, just go get it. It can be anything, your favorite coffee, your favorite book, even random things like flowers. As long as you're happy with it, you definitely deserve to have the things you love.
This is one type of self-love, there are any more ways to perform self-love. Self-love is not just limited to getting things you love and deserve, it comes in many different forms and you can read about it
here.
Check out my well-deserved gift for myself :)
It's okay not to be okay
I've always felt guilty because of my anxiety and depression. I never wanted to burden anyone around me. I tried so hard to hide and keep it to myself. I tried so hard to be the bubbly Vanessa every single time to make people happy, but I am tired and exhausted. All these pretending and trying hard is only making my mental health worse. So I chose to be open and honest to the people around me when I'm not feeling my best.
I am not making much progress lately. I am not less anxious nor depressed. I stopped drinking for almost half a year because I am on medications. However, my drinking button is on again, and it is consistently triggering me to drink more. I have a very low alcohol tolerance but I want to drink to feel better. Therefore, I started drinking again. Still, I have sleepless nights even after I took my medication. Sometimes I skip my medication because I drank, and skipping my medication makes me feel super shitty the next day with hungover. I will shiver, I will have headaches and I will feel like I have no energy left. I still cry in my shower silently during bad days, I still make myself puke when I'm feeling super anxious and unwell, especially after drinking. I still look down my office window or stare at the roads with suicidal thoughts.
But I'm happier. Why? Because I am embracing it. I'm letting myself feel all this. I cry when I want to, I drink when I want to, I take a break and breathe when I want too. It is totally okay to not be okay. You're not okay if you're always okay. You're a robot. Feel yourself, feel your emotions. There are no positive or negative emotions, they are all emotions and you're feeling them for a reason, you're letting it out for a reason, which is to take care of your mental health, by giving your heart a break. Having your downtimes doesn't make you weak, it makes you stronger. You are brave to feel your emotions, you are brave to let it all out. You're only human and you're doing human stuff.
Cry, eat, drink, feel the sadness, the anger, anything. Do things that make you feel better and let it all. Always remember that it's not a sign of weakness. You're just taking a break, regaining your energy, becoming stronger so you can get back up on your feet and continue to walk down this long journey of life.
Every year there will be a different theme for World Mental Health Day. For 2020 is increase investment in Mental Health Association to build better access for those in need. Please do remeber that mental health is not a trend, and mental health awareness is not something you do only on 10.10. It should be implemented into your everyday lives, supporting yourself and supporting others.
2020 has not been the best. Going through the pandemic and lockdowns, losing jobs, and people you love. Many of us are affected physically and mentally. The lockdown and WFH period was my worst times. I got very very depressed, and I believe I'm not the only one. I'm glad I reached out for professional help, where I learn and grow throughout the journey. I also get to share my experiences and inspire people to raise awareness as well.
Please always remember that your mental health matters. If you ever need professional help, check out
Mentalogue. Easy access to professionals for free, they help you search for the nearest therapist based on your preferred location and your budget concern. You are not alone, a lot of us out there are fighting for you, with you. If you feel comfortable, I am happy to be the one you reach out too. Good luck, stay happy and healthy.
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