The Many Ways of Self-Love

Self-love is an act of loving ourselves. It is not just feeling confident or rewarding ourselves by doing things we love. Self-love can come in many different ways. I may not be the best person to be teaching you self-love but I'm on a journey of learning and here are some of the things I realized that helped me a lot. 

I've spent a year pursuing my degree in Minnesota. The best thing I love about MN is the people, and some part of the American culture, and of course, the well-known "Minnesota Nice" (I hate the weather). I said "some of the cultures" because there are cultural differences I don't agree too (but I respect), and some of it which I wish we Asian, especially us ASIAN ASIAN in my case MALAYSIAN, can learn from it. 

Straightforward Communication. Having the right type of communication with the people around you is also an act of self-love. I found this an issue in a lot of Asian families, communities, and I think the wrong way of communication is very...very...toxic. Since young, my mom will always say "If you have anything in mind, please talk to me". Not once I tell her anything that makes me unhappy or sad, or angry. One of the reasons why I don't is because I remember breaking down in front of her, and she told me it's wrong, I should stop crying, I can't do this. The other reason might be because we're used to keeping things to ourselves. A lot of times we think having emotions is a negative thing (we feel like being angry, being sad is wrong, but it's not, we just think that it is, or we were taught that having emotions is wrong), or we will think that our parents don't understand. As for me, I tend to keep all these so-called "negative" emotions to myself, as I don't want to burden others with my own struggles. I think it is normal for most of us to think this way. Growing up, we were taught to always think about others' needs, but we always tend to forget that we should think about ourselves too. It is not selfish to think about your own needs. We need straightforward communication, we need to tell people how we feel / what are we feeling so they will understand. Parents need to understand that expressing our feelings is not "talking back" or being rebellious. People need to understand expressing thoughts and feelings doesn't make someone a bad person or considered rude, it is just a form of mutual respect. If I unintentionally hurt you with words? Tell me, "Hey, I don't like it when you say this". Acknowledge that you are hurt, and the other person should acknowledge that they have hurt you too (After you tell them of course). Apologize sincerely, and we move on. Even when it comes to small matters like unintentional jokes, microaggressions, unwanted advice, etc. I love straightforward communication. It helps me so well regardless if it's in a work setting or a social setting. I think it is a very respectful and comfortable way to communicate. I recently had a conversation with my cousins, my dear cousins whom I love more than anything else. It was a serious conversation that ended up into a mini argument, where there were words that are hurtful to me. I respect their thoughts and opinions, but it was hurtful to me. I told them that I understand what they are trying to say but what they said was hurtful, they acknowledged it, they apologized and we moved on. It's that simple. It's a form of mutual respect with no hard feelings. What happens if I kept all these feelings to myself? Will they know that their words hurt? Will they know that I'm hurt? No, they won't. 

Saying No. I am currently seeking out for more internship opportunities. One of the employers asked me if I am able to work until the end of this year. Typically, a "never say no" person like me, I wouldn't mind working more than I should be, I am honored to have more working experience. It took me a few minutes to think, and I said no. I told them I needed a week or two to prepare for my new semester, so I said no. Why is it so hard for a lot of us to say no? I can't speak for anyone, but the reason why it is hard for me to say no is that I always want everyone to be happy. I don't like to be a disappointment. I feel like saying no makes me weak or makes the other person unhappy. In the end, I am unhappy. If I don't say no to things that I couldn't achieve, I will still be a disappointment.. and unhappy..boohoo. Hence, we need to learn to say No. Saying No is not selfish, saying no is not a sin. The word "no" is invented for a reason. Saying no is an act of self-love. You are protecting yourself from things that are toxic or things that might hurt you, you are protecting your own boundaries. Think about it, were there times where you wanted to say no but you're too afraid to do so? Do you regret it? Were you hurt? Especially in Asian families (at least for mine, and the people around me), saying no to someone else, especially your elders, its like a huge sin. They react like the sky is falling, you killed somebody or you did something illegal. Oh plz. No means no. Always say no to things that will hurt you, always say no to toxic people who are hurting you. Yes, we think about others, we have to think about ourselves too. You have the right to say no to things that are unpleasant. 

Strengthen your boundaries. I've always loved Jean Grey from X-men. I wish I can have her superpowers, just to build a protective bubble around me. Imagine yourself having that bubble around you. These are your boundaries. No one should ever break that bubble, no one is allowed to even touch it. This is why it is related to the previous point, saying no, is to protect your boundaries. If no boundaries are set, people can do anything to you, where you will end up being hurt. From what I've experienced, being a person with no boundaries, I feel anxious about everything. Mostly I care a lot about other people's feelings, what they think about me,  what can I do to make them happy, etc. It's good to think about other people, but it's bad to only think about other people and forget about yourself. I learned that you are not responsible for anybody's happiness if you can't even stand up for your boundaries to make yourself happy. Considering your own happiness is not selfish, I will have to learn how to be happy before I make anyone else happy. Make your boundaries clear. If the other person is not able to accept the fact that you have boundaries that they need to respect, then it clearly tells you that they are not the right ones in life. It is not selfish to have boundaries, it is not selfish to protect yourself. It's self-love, self-care.

I can't say I can perfectly practice these skills in life, but I am confident enough to say I manage to practice straightforward communication a lot. It makes me comfortable, it makes other people comfortable and it made my life easier. Self-love is spa day, taking a day off, buying yourself a gift, but self-love is also all of the above. For all of you reading this, there are people out there who loves you, therefore you should love yourself more. Good luck!

@itsnata