Fifth Phase of Treatment: Thoughts and Experience

The first thing I told my doctor is that I feel like I jinx myself every time. Whenever I think I'm feeling better, I get panic attacks or depressive episodes after. It is very comforting when he says " no, it's not a jinx, it is normal for you to be experiencing this as a person experiencing with anxiety and depression."

It's my 5th phase of treatment. Looking back at when I first got diagnosed, I am feeling so much better right now. I got so confident (too confident), I asked my doctor if it's time for me to start reducing the intake of my medication. He shook his head with a slightly shocked face and said no. "You will need to expect a longer journey, at least 6 more months or a year." He explained that I'm still young, and at this stage of my life I will be going through a lot of different changes, (change of job, education, lifestyle, workplace, and changes are one of the factors that might affect the balance of my mental health). I understand, and I am embracing it. 

When I wrote about my third and fourth phase of treatment,  I mentioned that my anxiety was getting better, with literally no panic attacks coming to me. I am grateful for that. However, things were different this past month. I am very anxious and experiencing a lot of panic attacks to the level where I puke because I am too anxious. That's the worst kind of anxiety (at least for me). There is not just puke, there are some crying moments caused by anxiety too. It's anxious crying, not depressed cry. At this point in time, after a while of walking down this rocky road, I realize I get to differentiate and express my feelings better. Instead of just saying "that funny feeling" or "I don't know what is happening", I get to say that I am anxious or depressed, happy, or sad. I get to differentiate an anxious cry, a depressed cry, or a sad cry. I am super grateful for sad cries. At least I am acknowledging my feelings and letting it out. A sad cry feels good sometimes. 

Other than constant panic attacks, I don't feel much depressed lately. Although I am going through some really big changes in life, experiencing more sadness than usual, I feel fine, I feel in control. Being able to identify my feelings is good, because I know I'm sad, and it did not develop into something worse (feeling depressed). I did not breakdown to the level where it requires self-harm, where I feel like using pain to cover the pain. I don't even have the thought or feel like I have the need to bite myself anymore, which is a big, BIG improvement. 

So what's all the fuss about this big change that is affecting me? I removed and confronted some toxic people in life. Guess what, I feel great. Maybe they are the reason why my mental health got worse (maybe, I need more time to figure this out). I've been so obsessed about forgiving and forgetting things that are way across my boundaries, I am tearing myself apart. Now when I look back, I feel like I've been living in my anxious and depressed world all for the same reasons, toxic people. I figured it is time for me to finally move on and take care of myself first, instead of taking care of people who don't care, doesn't appreciate, and people who took me for granted. 

What have I done for self-care this month? I kept myself occupied with work by getting another internship. (This doesn't mean that you need to work to feel mentally well, just that I love keeping myself busy, I love to work). You can always keep yourself occupied by doing things you love, for me its work, for some people they might need a break from work to feel good. Who are we to judge. Just do things you love, or not do things, as long as it makes you feel good. I am taking baby steps to do things that I've never done for myself. For example, getting things I love (for myself), doing things I love (for myself), going to places I want to go (for myself), spending time with the people who I want to spend time with, spending my own money on ME, myself (and of course people who are worth it and loved by me). Please remember (and also a note to self), thinking about yourself or caring about yourself first is not selfish. If you only care about yourself and not others, that's selfish (well, it might not apply with toxic people, so please evaluate the situation, oops). 

I found this really good caption on Instagram by @viva_la_poema. "In this journey of growth, you will meet people, places, and things whom you will feel attached to, but then you will outgrow them. It is okay" I don't know who needs to hear this, but I do, and I'm learning to outgrow these toxic attachments as well. 

What are my next steps on my self-care journey? I would love to have some time off alone, go on a staycation/vacation, but as I say I am pretty occupied (and broke). This would be a great mini-goal to work on,  while I heal and continue to learn, educate, inspire, and continue to stay strong while walking down this rocky road of mental health balancing. 

How about you? Another thank you to everyone who is reading this, and to people who reached out to me, sharing thoughts, saying thank you, and being open. I am grateful for every one of you. Good luck. 

@viva_la_poema