Second Phase of Treatment: Thoughts & Experiences
30th of May
If you haven't, do catch up with my treatment progress here before you start reading this.
I am ending my second phase of treatment in 3 days and will be going back for my monthly check-in with my doctor. I was very excited to share my thoughts and experience in my second phase of treatment, and very excited to start writing this post. This is all because I am doing very well, I am feeling very very good. I am very proud and happy with my progress and I want to share the good news with every one of you who've been following me and supporting me throughout this journey!
Before I start, I just want to say I am afraid of saying "I am feeling better" most of the time, because every single time I say it I jinxed, and I break down in the next few hours. I am afraid, but it doesn't stop me from saying it. I really do want to feel better. And this thought, "I am feeling better", is getting louder and louder, saying it out loud even more often now, because yes! I am feeling better! I am doing a great job! (Writing this part, reminds me of Charice's song, "Louder", listening to it now, on repeat).
Yes, it does not mean I am completely panic-attack free, or completely depression-free. I break down, I panic attacked, everything happens, but less often (literally just broke down a few hours ago, and self-harmed last night). Weird huh, to be remembering all your negative mental health episodes. Anyway, not negative-free, I am not a robot, I allow myself to feel negative. The only thing that I want to change is to control. I am yearning to be in control all over again. I am still on a journey to learn, (or re-learn), how to control my negative emotions.
I've been journaling throughout the journey. Just a recap, for the second phase, I up-ed my dosage and added on another type of anti-depressant to help with my sleep. I've been writing down mostly negative feelings (If I have any, If I don't, I'll just leave it blank for the day). So, guess what? My journal went on for 12 days, and it has been left blank since, until a few days ago. That's progress right?! This is why I am so proud!! I was panic attack-free and depression-free for a total of 15 +/- days! Isn't that amazing?! Honestly, I do even feel like I'm nervous/anxious free for a while. Which is a big help when I am transitioning from WFH to working in the office.
I do get the idea that anxiety and depression still live in me and I am still not an expert on controlling it and preventing it from controlling ME. For me, antidepressants help but yes I do have doubts. I doubt if I should take anti-depressants sometimes. Am I weak that I need medication to control my negative feelings?
"Also, for many of us, it can feel unnatural to be on drugs for something so correlated with our character, our very selves. It can feel like we're cheating, no matter how many times we tell ourselves that anxiety suffers taking meds is no difference to diabetics taking insulin. " - Sarah Wilson
Sarah described my doubts. Doubts where I was unable to put it in words (See who's the better writer now? hehe). Why do doubts like these happen? Mental health has been ignored by a lot of people for too long, thus, leading to stigmatization, then, to doubts like these. Even we ourselves, people who are suffering, somehow stigmatize ourselves and being afraid of stigma at the same time.
So, no. I am not weak because I need medication to help me on my journey. Anti-depressant is like a person holding my hand when I first lay my foot on a balance beam. Once I get the hang of it, I can definitely let go and balance it through the end.
I am lucky enough to realize I am losing control and wanted to seek help. I am lucky enough I met a doctor who reminded me that I should seek help, and also offering me help whenever I'm ready. I am lucky enough anti-depressants are able to help me throughout this journey, supporting me while I learn to live with my flaws and learn to control them. Yes, I do feel like giving up sometimes, but only at the moments when I am feeling very very very hella depressed. Once it's over, I'm back to normal. I am still motivated, I still take my meds every night, I'm still the Vanessa you see on social media and in real life. I shared this thought on my Instagram the other day. I am watching a lot of Marvel movies and I am relating it to my situation. Y'all should know The Hulk right? (If you don't please do watch their movies it's amazing and The Hulk is basically a normal scientist guy who suddenly pops into this green big strong "guy??" when he is angry or harmed or triggered and losing control of it). So the Hulk just comes out of Bruce and Bruce doesn't really have options. His journey of communicating with the Hulk, controlling him, and preventing him from being "in charge", it's just like me learning to control my anxiety and depression. SPOILER ALERT. In the end, Bruce and Hulk live peacefully (for now), where Bruce's appearance is Hulk but INSIDE it's Bruce.
So, safe to say that anxiety+depression=Hulk?
31st of May
I went to my doctor's appointment. He did say I am making good progress and agree with my point of view that things still do happen, "and it's totally normal due to your mental illness". Yes, his actual words. For my second phase of treatment, things were good, sleep was okay, but it was tons of lucid dreaming (dreams where you can control what is happening) + I discovered another new symptom of mine. I always have to go to the bathroom a few times in like 10 minutes throughout the whole night, when I am absolutely sure I don't have to pee, I do it anyway. Symptom, the doctor said, no worries.
I am sticking with the same dosage and the same medication I had for my second phase of treatment (2 antidepressants). He told me he expects to see me get better in another 3 to 4 months, which is my expectations too :) Always expect a long journey to heal and to learn at the same time, I am pretty sure I'll be better, and I am pretty sure I will learn so much throughout this journey on this hard rock road.
If you ever need help, please do reach out to some of the resources, I recommend you check this out. Or if you just want to talk to me and discuss with some of the things that I wrote, feel free to e-mail me, you can find my e-mail here as well. Good luck.
If you haven't, do catch up with my treatment progress here before you start reading this.
I am ending my second phase of treatment in 3 days and will be going back for my monthly check-in with my doctor. I was very excited to share my thoughts and experience in my second phase of treatment, and very excited to start writing this post. This is all because I am doing very well, I am feeling very very good. I am very proud and happy with my progress and I want to share the good news with every one of you who've been following me and supporting me throughout this journey!
Before I start, I just want to say I am afraid of saying "I am feeling better" most of the time, because every single time I say it I jinxed, and I break down in the next few hours. I am afraid, but it doesn't stop me from saying it. I really do want to feel better. And this thought, "I am feeling better", is getting louder and louder, saying it out loud even more often now, because yes! I am feeling better! I am doing a great job! (Writing this part, reminds me of Charice's song, "Louder", listening to it now, on repeat).
Yes, it does not mean I am completely panic-attack free, or completely depression-free. I break down, I panic attacked, everything happens, but less often (literally just broke down a few hours ago, and self-harmed last night). Weird huh, to be remembering all your negative mental health episodes. Anyway, not negative-free, I am not a robot, I allow myself to feel negative. The only thing that I want to change is to control. I am yearning to be in control all over again. I am still on a journey to learn, (or re-learn), how to control my negative emotions.
I've been journaling throughout the journey. Just a recap, for the second phase, I up-ed my dosage and added on another type of anti-depressant to help with my sleep. I've been writing down mostly negative feelings (If I have any, If I don't, I'll just leave it blank for the day). So, guess what? My journal went on for 12 days, and it has been left blank since, until a few days ago. That's progress right?! This is why I am so proud!! I was panic attack-free and depression-free for a total of 15 +/- days! Isn't that amazing?! Honestly, I do even feel like I'm nervous/anxious free for a while. Which is a big help when I am transitioning from WFH to working in the office.
I do get the idea that anxiety and depression still live in me and I am still not an expert on controlling it and preventing it from controlling ME. For me, antidepressants help but yes I do have doubts. I doubt if I should take anti-depressants sometimes. Am I weak that I need medication to control my negative feelings?
"Also, for many of us, it can feel unnatural to be on drugs for something so correlated with our character, our very selves. It can feel like we're cheating, no matter how many times we tell ourselves that anxiety suffers taking meds is no difference to diabetics taking insulin. " - Sarah Wilson
Sarah described my doubts. Doubts where I was unable to put it in words (See who's the better writer now? hehe). Why do doubts like these happen? Mental health has been ignored by a lot of people for too long, thus, leading to stigmatization, then, to doubts like these. Even we ourselves, people who are suffering, somehow stigmatize ourselves and being afraid of stigma at the same time.
So, no. I am not weak because I need medication to help me on my journey. Anti-depressant is like a person holding my hand when I first lay my foot on a balance beam. Once I get the hang of it, I can definitely let go and balance it through the end.
I am lucky enough to realize I am losing control and wanted to seek help. I am lucky enough I met a doctor who reminded me that I should seek help, and also offering me help whenever I'm ready. I am lucky enough anti-depressants are able to help me throughout this journey, supporting me while I learn to live with my flaws and learn to control them. Yes, I do feel like giving up sometimes, but only at the moments when I am feeling very very very hella depressed. Once it's over, I'm back to normal. I am still motivated, I still take my meds every night, I'm still the Vanessa you see on social media and in real life. I shared this thought on my Instagram the other day. I am watching a lot of Marvel movies and I am relating it to my situation. Y'all should know The Hulk right? (If you don't please do watch their movies it's amazing and The Hulk is basically a normal scientist guy who suddenly pops into this green big strong "guy??" when he is angry or harmed or triggered and losing control of it). So the Hulk just comes out of Bruce and Bruce doesn't really have options. His journey of communicating with the Hulk, controlling him, and preventing him from being "in charge", it's just like me learning to control my anxiety and depression. SPOILER ALERT. In the end, Bruce and Hulk live peacefully (for now), where Bruce's appearance is Hulk but INSIDE it's Bruce.
So, safe to say that anxiety+depression=Hulk?
31st of May
I went to my doctor's appointment. He did say I am making good progress and agree with my point of view that things still do happen, "and it's totally normal due to your mental illness". Yes, his actual words. For my second phase of treatment, things were good, sleep was okay, but it was tons of lucid dreaming (dreams where you can control what is happening) + I discovered another new symptom of mine. I always have to go to the bathroom a few times in like 10 minutes throughout the whole night, when I am absolutely sure I don't have to pee, I do it anyway. Symptom, the doctor said, no worries.
I am sticking with the same dosage and the same medication I had for my second phase of treatment (2 antidepressants). He told me he expects to see me get better in another 3 to 4 months, which is my expectations too :) Always expect a long journey to heal and to learn at the same time, I am pretty sure I'll be better, and I am pretty sure I will learn so much throughout this journey on this hard rock road.
If you ever need help, please do reach out to some of the resources, I recommend you check this out. Or if you just want to talk to me and discuss with some of the things that I wrote, feel free to e-mail me, you can find my e-mail here as well. Good luck.
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| @fullspiritquotes |
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