Let's Talk Depression
I've been sharing so much about my experience with anxiety I was kinda running away from talking about depression. Before you continue reading just a heads up it might be disturbing, feel free to check out my other blog post instead. You don't have to force yourself to read if you're uncomfortable. But it'll be great that you read, and get to know and understand more about depression, which helps you or your loved ones, to reach out or check-in.
It is hard to talk about depression. Hard as in the experience is hard to describe, hard to put it in words and if it's in words, it's harsh. I have to use my words wisely because I don't want to spread the wrong vibes while sharing about it. I've been staring at my screen and my little notebook for quite some time. I really don't know how to start this post.
What is it like when you're depressed? I shared some of my symptoms in my previous post, but being depressed is really more than that. It's more than just the scars and the tears. It's more than just extreme sadness. It's a kind of mental and physical torture I hope that no one needs to experience it ever in their lives.
Same as anxiety, any random shit triggers you. When that switch is flipped, it is hard to turn it off, it is hard to control. Trust me, I want it to stop. I want it to stop hurting me and I want it to stop affecting people around me. I blame myself for being depressed and making people unhappy because I'm feeling depressed. The guilt. I feel tired. It's dragging me down from head to toe. It's either I am feeling tired from being super tense, or feeling tired from being super weak.
There are always two different kinds of depressive episodes. One where I want to scream, I want to cry, I cover myself with a pillow so I could shout as loud as possible and no one can hear me. There is pain, many levels of pain, mentally, somewhere deep down in my heart, or my brain. What I want to do is to use pain to cover pain. I bit myself, I knock my head to the wall when biting doesn't relieve the pain, I harm myself in any way I can. My right thumb is always in pain, from all the biting. Always losing pieces of skin in that area, and always swollen and red. The other kind, is where I just want to roll myself into a ball. Feeling numb and shutting myself away from reality. It made me lose interest in the things I love. I love working out. I go to the gym every day because I really love working out. I stopped, the passion is just gone. I have to force myself out of bed to workout because I know deep down this is what I love but I just don't feel it anymore. I force myself to do workouts because I know I will hate my body if I don't. I love being with people and friends, but every single time when I was invited to an occasion, I was too afraid to say yes. I don't see my worth of being there. I lose my appetite. I can go on for a day or two, not feeling hungry or don't feel like eating at all. It's numerous levels of pain mentally and physically.
Suicidal thoughts. Some may have them when they are feeling useless, worthless, or hopeless. I have them when I am not able to use physical pain to cover the pain I feel inside. Biting myself or hitting the wall, any kind of physical pain that I can do at the moment, is not helping the pain inside. I can't cover it and I am suffering so badly I just want it to stop. I can't stop blaming myself for feeling depressed but the thing is I don't know why I am feeling this way. I tried searching for the main reason of what is triggering me to behave, to feel this way. I found nothing. I just feel the pain, I want to let it all out and I want it to stop.
I always believe that sadness is normal. But depression is too random. I needed help because it happens all the time, anytime anywhere, and it is affecting my daily life. You reach the level of extreme sadness for no particular reason. You just want to cry. You tear up for no reason and you don't know what you're crying, but you know it makes you feel better if you do. What happens when I feel depressed in public? You hold it in. Worst thing ever. You're basically dying inside, and you eager to seek a safe space so you can let it all out. We never show. Stigma is real. Hearing "don't think about it too much and you'll be okay" is real (the worst thing you can get from someone when you're trying to reach out). This is why it is important to reach in, and also reach out. We never put a sign on our faces saying "depressed". We tried to make our lives as normal as possible, and live with it, painfully.
Ever heard of the black dog? It's a metaphor for depression. You can check out this video on Youtube, it describes depression in the form of "the black dog", visiting you and affecting your daily lives,
It is hard to talk about depression. Hard as in the experience is hard to describe, hard to put it in words and if it's in words, it's harsh. I have to use my words wisely because I don't want to spread the wrong vibes while sharing about it. I've been staring at my screen and my little notebook for quite some time. I really don't know how to start this post.
What is it like when you're depressed? I shared some of my symptoms in my previous post, but being depressed is really more than that. It's more than just the scars and the tears. It's more than just extreme sadness. It's a kind of mental and physical torture I hope that no one needs to experience it ever in their lives.
Same as anxiety, any random shit triggers you. When that switch is flipped, it is hard to turn it off, it is hard to control. Trust me, I want it to stop. I want it to stop hurting me and I want it to stop affecting people around me. I blame myself for being depressed and making people unhappy because I'm feeling depressed. The guilt. I feel tired. It's dragging me down from head to toe. It's either I am feeling tired from being super tense, or feeling tired from being super weak.
There are always two different kinds of depressive episodes. One where I want to scream, I want to cry, I cover myself with a pillow so I could shout as loud as possible and no one can hear me. There is pain, many levels of pain, mentally, somewhere deep down in my heart, or my brain. What I want to do is to use pain to cover pain. I bit myself, I knock my head to the wall when biting doesn't relieve the pain, I harm myself in any way I can. My right thumb is always in pain, from all the biting. Always losing pieces of skin in that area, and always swollen and red. The other kind, is where I just want to roll myself into a ball. Feeling numb and shutting myself away from reality. It made me lose interest in the things I love. I love working out. I go to the gym every day because I really love working out. I stopped, the passion is just gone. I have to force myself out of bed to workout because I know deep down this is what I love but I just don't feel it anymore. I force myself to do workouts because I know I will hate my body if I don't. I love being with people and friends, but every single time when I was invited to an occasion, I was too afraid to say yes. I don't see my worth of being there. I lose my appetite. I can go on for a day or two, not feeling hungry or don't feel like eating at all. It's numerous levels of pain mentally and physically.
Suicidal thoughts. Some may have them when they are feeling useless, worthless, or hopeless. I have them when I am not able to use physical pain to cover the pain I feel inside. Biting myself or hitting the wall, any kind of physical pain that I can do at the moment, is not helping the pain inside. I can't cover it and I am suffering so badly I just want it to stop. I can't stop blaming myself for feeling depressed but the thing is I don't know why I am feeling this way. I tried searching for the main reason of what is triggering me to behave, to feel this way. I found nothing. I just feel the pain, I want to let it all out and I want it to stop.
I always believe that sadness is normal. But depression is too random. I needed help because it happens all the time, anytime anywhere, and it is affecting my daily life. You reach the level of extreme sadness for no particular reason. You just want to cry. You tear up for no reason and you don't know what you're crying, but you know it makes you feel better if you do. What happens when I feel depressed in public? You hold it in. Worst thing ever. You're basically dying inside, and you eager to seek a safe space so you can let it all out. We never show. Stigma is real. Hearing "don't think about it too much and you'll be okay" is real (the worst thing you can get from someone when you're trying to reach out). This is why it is important to reach in, and also reach out. We never put a sign on our faces saying "depressed". We tried to make our lives as normal as possible, and live with it, painfully.
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| What does depression looks like? It looks like this. |
And if you ever need help. Reach out to anyone you trust. Or reach out to a professional, or an organization. Please do not expect you will feel better in one day, it is okay to take time, take baby steps throughout this long journey. Trust me, it is totally worth it.
加油！Always stay positive!
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