Too Much Hope?

"Can I start reducing the dosage of my medication?"

"I think it's not the time yet. We will reduce it when both of us have mutual confidence. It's good to be hopeful but you have to be cautious with your hopes too. Sometimes when you held too much hope, things can go downhill pretty quickly."

I asked my doctor if it's time for me to make some changes to my medication. I was pretty hopeful before my visit as I have 0 episodes and feeling my best. I was pretty upset when he says that it's not the time. But, what he said was not wrong. The moment I realize that I'm upset, I know that I'm being too hopeful. Or maybe there's no such thing as too hopeful. Having hope is good. Maybe I should say I'm not being mindful that I should be making baby steps and not rush things. 

Blinded by my upset emotions, I did not realize that I'm actually making "evidence-based" improvements. My diazepam went down from 10mg to 5mg. Not only that, I am on a pretty complicated (complicated for me cause I am forgetful) meds schedule. Instead of taking 5mg every day, I will need to take it every alternative day. If I'm taking a full pill today, I will be taking a half pill the next. These are signs that I'm actually going to reduce the dosage of my meds. Starting by trying less dosage on alternative days :) 

I know I'm making good progress. My doctor knows I'm making good progress. This is good enough for me to continue to hope for the best. Also, I'm doing a good job following my meds schedule, not missing any of them, and also doing a good job keeping myself mentally healthy. There's a lot more work than just taking meds when it comes to your mental health. Medication helps you with your physical symptoms, but you yourself also have to clear your mind, and take care of yourself, protect yourself from triggers. What's holding you back? What's triggering your flashbacks? Can you get rid of them? Can you get the closure you want? All require great effort, it's not easy but like I said, don't rush things like me, baby steps are good enough. 

I really can't wait to be meds free. 

@wetheurban