(Lost Count) of Treatment: Thoughts & Experiences

I have been updating much lately, apologise for that. I lost count on the number of therapy sessions I went to, I assume my latest one is my 10th. 

I can say that things were quite stable for the past few months. Especially my depression, it was stable, well-controlled. I am very grateful. Although I still have casual panic attacks, I still have anxious moments, but not much is new, except for the fact I've been having really bad nightmares lately, and always waking up with a panic attack. 

I went into my doctor's office, as usual. I addressed my concerns with those nightmares. I never really tend to open up to my psychiatrist about the things happening in life. I only share with him what types of symptoms I'm having. However, this time is different. To address my nightmare I have to share a little bit of information or some back story, which is something more personal. I wasn't very comfortable (not that I'm not comfortable with my psychiatrist, he is amazing and helpful but I'm still afraid to open up to things that are more personal). I have then prescribed an antipsychotic medication, didn't get any more information on what was the name and how does it work. I know it sounds scary to hear the word "antipsychotic", as it usually helps to treat people who are suffering from bipolar or schizophrenia, but there are times where patients with severe depression or anxiety will need antipsychotics too.

My psychiatrist explained a bit about why I'm experiencing those nightmares. From the start of my treatment, my root problem has always been depression. It has always been more severe than my GAD. There are many things that I tend to suppress, and just throw them all the way back in my unconscious mind. These nightmares are signs that they are actually un-suppressing, surfacing back into my conscious mind. As for my anxiety, it has always been unstable. It is like a leaf floating on the surface of the water. It goes with the flow of the water surface, and it was never stable. 

So, I've been thinking to myself. Does this mean that I'm in denial? Does this mean that I've always been experiencing symptoms of depression but I never tend to realize? My own conclusion was, this does make sense. I am always experiencing physical symptoms even though there were no intrusive thoughts. You just get it out of nowhere, but you won't feel mentally disturbed by intrusive thoughts. Maybe it was the meds, or maybe it's because of all the "good" suppressing of emotions, I feel really numb. You can be happy and also trying to catch your breath at the same this, this numb. 

I've been taking my new medication for almost 3 weeks now. Glad to say that nightmares are gone and I have not experienced any panic attack-waking moments. It's been 10 months since I started my mental health journey. Things change in life, there are still lots of ups and downs but I can see recovery in my near future. Also, I am mindful that I will never be "completely healed". Having to feel negative emotions from time to time is normal and healthy, I'm just excited for the day where I finally get to feel different kinds of emotions healthily and in control. 

It's been a long time since I last wrote, but I never stop listening and talking to people regarding their mental wellbeing. I may not be doing my best as an advocate now, but I am doing my best in being myself, enjoying what I love doing. At this point in life, I hope you are well, and I hope my journey to recovery inspires you to take new baby steps. Good luck!

@writealanche