Sixth Phase of Treatment: Thoughts & Experiences

 It's my sixth, and this time there are some changes. Good ones!

Throughout my whole journey, I was constantly anxious and depressed. I've been taking more or less the same medication throughout the different phases, but I also did change into stronger ones. I see myself making progress but it's not enough to reduce my dosage yet. 

I've been taking anti-depressants to help me sleep. It wasn't something that completely benefits my sleep. The medication did mess up my ideal schedule of waking up at 6am. I feel so guilty for unable to wake up at 6am and have my usual workout routine. Doc gave me reassurance. "Of course you can't wake up that early anymore, you're on meds, they help you sleep, they make you sleep more". They do make me sleep more (sometimes) but sleeping more is also making me lose motivation in the things I love. He has been advising me to get back on track with my workout, to help deal with my anxiety symptoms, but it's so hard to conquer the effect of my sleeping pills. I've been telling my doctor that for 2 months. I told him I just can't, I am not motivated at all. I want to get up and workout like I used to, this is what I love, but I can't. My doctor was like, "there, there.. embrace your symptoms, you're just going through them, it's normal".

To help me get back on my feet, doc decided to reduce the dosage of my anti-depressants for sleep :) Since we are also seeing signs that I am feeling better. This does not mean that I am anxiety-free or depression-free, but I am able to control my moments. Reducing the dosage of my meds? Woa, this is big progress made. From baby steps to a big dino step! Although, my first few nights taking the lowered dosage med was hard to cope with.  I couldn't really fall asleep and I was just staring at the ceiling, and I have yet to wake up and feel motivated about my workout again, but I'm still proud of this achievement. I'm finally at the stage where I get to reduce the dosage of my medication. This is step one to be fully in control with balancing my mental health. 

Never expect to be anxiety-free nor depression-free. Never expect to be 100% healed. What I am expecting is to be able to live with what I am experiencing but never let them take control of me. 

@igototherapy

The reason why I am feeling so much better and making progress? So in control? I figured it might be because I managed to cut off some people in life. Throughout my journey, nothing much has changed. I switched jobs, but I am very sure that I am happy with my new job. Other than that, everything remains the same. The only thing that is different, is I don't have those people in my life anymore. It was painful and it was hard, but I see a huge difference in myself. I feel more relief, I am happier, I have less worries, and I have less guilt. I even start to think that they might be the reason why my mental health was really really bad. I now have more time to focus on myself, I have more time to enjoy the things I love. I don't have to worry if someone is going to hurt me today, because I definitely won't hurt myself. I have less suicidal thoughts, I feel less worthless because I don't have to deal with the white eyes and complaints I get whenever I am depressed or going through a panic attack. Sadly (but it's also good), that I'm feeling so much better without toxic people in life. 

I'm not kidding. Cutting off toxic people is self-love, it makes your life so much better. For you reading this, and for all of you who have been keeping up with my sharings, I am so grateful. I am grateful for those who trusted me, opened up to me, and reached out for help. I am so proud of you, and I hope you're proud of me too. 

As you all know, my goals have always been raising awareness by educating, sharing, and being apart. Could you be a part of this journey and make an impact with me? Mentalogue has always been amazing, trying hard to provide easier access to mental health services for us Malaysians. They understand all the problems we are facing. Budget concerns and lack of resources have always been two main concerns we have when it comes to seeking professional help. They are currently aiming to raise RM10,000 in funds to help people in need. One of their goals is to run support groups and low-cost mental health program, which I think it's a pretty amazing thing to do. If you have rm1 to spare, please do help donate to their foundation here. A little goes a long way! But of course, it's okay if you don't have the rm1 to spare, we all have our own problems to deal with. However, do check out their Instagram post here, share it out to your friends and family! 

If you're seeking professional help check out Mentalogue's Web App. Find the nearest therapist within your budget. 

Thanks again for reading, see you again in words. Good luck.