Anxious of Being Anxious

I am struggling to breathe, at this current moment. It's been going on for about an hour or two. Trying my best to not let the anxious beast come out of me. I tried reading. Makes me even more anxious, so I stopped. I tried meditating. I Google searched "How to Meditate". As a lazy techno reader, and someone who is currently trying not to have a panic attack, I took a glimpse at one of the descriptions, did not even click into the web for the full article. It says "Close your eyes, breathe normally". I locked my phone, literally threw it aside, closed my eyes, and tried to "breathe normally". One..two..three..four..fi..Nope. The "breathe normally" part does not apply to me at all.

What's making me feel this way? Honestly, I don't know. I had this conversation with my cousin today, a few hours ago from writing this post. I told her I feel anxious about being anxious. Get it? At least she gets it. She's like "Woa, dude, feels". These were not her exact words but it's kinda what she means. This is all I can say, and this is all that I know, and discovered, throughout my whole anxious journey.  A simple description but it spins you in circles. Let's just break this cycle down.

I have not found a really good way to take control yet. I am still trying my very best. Therefore, I'm on my meds, which has been a huge help. I'm at a state where I just stare at the wall when I'm trying to breathe, or feeling anxious in general. I used to always search for answers, eagerly, aggressively. Why am I feeling anxious, what is the problem, why am I depressed? I tried so hard to search for all these answers, it was kinda tiring and no help at all. Of course, with the help of my loved ones (basically is just my boyfriend, he's the only one who had experience seeing me in my worst, I'm so sorry but thankful at the same time.), I shifted my focus. It happened, accept it, I am depressed, I am anxious. I don't feel the need to look back into the whys at the exact moment when I'm already feeling guilty of being a mess. I'm trying new ways. I read, if it's not working, I write, I workout, I stand up and walk around, I lie down. Not that it doesn't help, it does sometimes, but sometimes it doesn't. It depends. Other than being on meds, I'm still exploring and searching for new ways to hold accountability, to take control, and make myself feel better, through my own effort, without needing someone else's help (It's not wrong that you need someone else's help, I just personally think that I want to be responsible of my own problems and to be honest, no one is responsible for me except for myself. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to seek out to someone for help, this is amazing that you are reaching out for help! But I do think it's part of the journey, at least my journey, that I want to hold accountability). I have yet to try meditating. To be honest, I don't think it will work for me. It requires me to "breathe normally", which is something I am struggling with. As you read, I tried, for like, 5 seconds and it was a nope. I'll try again, just to see how I feel, and who knows?

"It's that funny feeling". I hear people say this all the time. I used to say this all the time. Now that I recall, that "funny feeling" that you and I are feeling, is anxiousness. And most of the time, we're just worried about "that funny feeling". We don't really want to feel the unpleasant "funny feeling". It feels like someone running around on/in your chest, your heart, sometimes you feel like they're running towards your throat, ugh, and it's making you tired cause your body is physically reacting to it. Sweating, cold feet, and hands, shivering, difficulty breathing, you name it. When you know that's anxiety, you put it in the exact words. Instead of "worrying about that funny feeling", you're actually anxious about feeling anxious. That's when it hits you. It's like Chapter 1. 

Okay, Chapter 1. If you're feeling Chapter 1, don't panic (Yes, what a stupid thing to say but I'm serious). It's normal for every one of us to feel anxious, being anxious kinda drives us, it pushes us forward. I can totally be anxious throughout my whole conference call and still act like I'm feeling normal. On the inside? I'm sweating like a cow and feels like I'm drowning into the "funny feeling". What we want is to prevent it from becoming Chapter 2, 3, 4...

I am no therapist and I am no professional, I am just someone struggling at Chapter...20? Kudos to you taking your first step trying to prevent it from developing, which is something I did not do, and ignored, at my Chapter 1. Explore ways, suitable ways. It can be anything. Someone else's way may not be for you, but no harm trying. Not saying it's fun but you'll learn, it's challenging and you get to know yourself more. Most importantly, reach out. Even if you're just feeling "funny", talk to someone and see what that is and what can you do to make you feel better. Good luck!